Kids Are Like Soldiers

They thrive on a regime.

They say that toddlers do best on a repetitive concrete schedule for their daily lives. But this is also true of really little ones. At least this is very true of my kiddos. Zman took to his schedule from the start.

SweetPea appears to be the same. She's currently teething and around the time of a growth spurt, and she's still sticking to her routine pretty well. When she does wake in the night she eats quickly and nods back off within 15 minutes.

When either of them get thrown off their schedule, a couple days of diligence brings them right back.

I believe this will be beneficial when I go back to work on Monday. The more they stick to routine with me, the more they will at daycare. That should mean their moods should be easy to anticipate.

So as much as I'm all for free love and self guided play, you'll find me with my general's hat on at 7, 11:30, 1, 3 and 7:15 :)

Hard Thoughts

I've begun to worry lately that I'm more like my mother than I really want to be.

I pride myself on being a loving, nurturing mom, and my mother was too... at first. But more and more as I have spent 2 months at home with both the kids I have seen behaviors slip out that act like warning shots.

MDH mentioned to me a little while ago how this blog I set up to explore being a SAHM hasn't had much SAHM stuff in it. As I thought about why that was, I came to a startling discovery. I hadn't written about the experience because I dislike discussing or even thinking about things I'm not good at. I do not feel I'm very good at being a SAHM.

In those moments when I am overheated, exasperated, have answered "why?" until I'm hoarse, I snap. I will repeat a command in a neutral voice a few times and when it is still ignored, I snap. MDH refers to it as "going from 0 to 60" and the next time I ask, I'm yelling.

The longer I am home alone with them, the shorter my fuse becomes. I can hear the strain in my voice, the "I really don't want to be talking to you right now" tone that I immediately regret, but that I'm having so much trouble curbing. Worse still, once I start yelling, more of what I say comes out as a yell.

These are traits I remember my mother possessing, and it worries me.

To be perfectly clear, although I do not feel I'm good at being a SAHM, I do feel (rather conceitedly) that I AM a great mother. I just wish I could be better. I think its probably healthy to always strive to better yourself. If I thought I was perfect, I'd be dead wrong.

So I'm not looking for an ego boost here, just thinking about how I want things to be and ruminating on the subconscious influences of parents.

I've debated putting this post up, its been mostly composed for almost 2 weeks now. But as I got back into the swing of things today (plus dealing with a congested 3 month old while fighting a headcold of my own) it really made me think about the more exhausting parts of being a mom. Most of my posts have been about the positive aspects of mommyhood. So this one is a little glimpse at the other side.

And I'll end this on a positive note... I pledge to try every day to do better for my kids, no matter how exasperated I feel :)